1963, Conser Lake Oregon, White Hair Muscle Giant

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! Four teenagers skip school, planning on skinny dipping in Conser Lake, Oregon. Shortly after 2:15 p.m. two of the teenagers start yelling and pointing into a thicket of blackberry bushes. When the others arrive, they see a thick white haired creature sitting in the bushes. Its physique like an old timey sideshow strongman, squat and highly articulated musculature, the only things missing were the pointy waxed mustache and the 100 lb barbells. The four watch in horror as the creature daintly picks blackberries with it’s pinky and thumb claws. Its chin dyed bluish from the succulent juices of the delightful berries. When the creature spies the teenagers, it cries like a cat in heat before leaping into the trees, making a speedy getaway toward the opposite lake shore.

2002, Rices Landing, Pennsylvania, Garden Attack

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! Helen Shefcheck is recorded by her great grandchildren, telling “the tomato patch man” story. As Shefcheck recalls, she was woken up in the middle of the night during an especially hot August night by some noise in her garden. When she goes to investigate, thinking it might be her brother-in-law John “Stumpy” Huntley cutting a short cut through her yard after drinking too much at the social club in town. What Helen discovers in her tomato patch is not a drunken in-law, but a large hairy monster that smelled like turpentine and raw bread dough. The monster was stomping its great feet all over the tomato vines and making a terrific mess of the garden. Helen grabbed her rolling pin from above her stove and ran out yelling curse words at the creature. Startled the hairy beast turned tail and bolted into the woods across the street toward the river. The sheriff came out and looked at the tomato plants, commenting that it was “a downright shame what happened to them.” But no official charges were ever made.

1984, Deer Lake Michigan, Bigfoot Headbutt

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! Toosha McFelon files an insurance report for her smashed Ford Fairmont. It is her claim that, while cruising along Korthase, a two lane country road, on the evening of March 25th, “a thick hairy mans they size of three football players” bolts out from the bushes. She swerves to avoid the creature. Once the car is stopped, the creature repeatedly runs head long into the side of the Ford, denting and smashing the passenger’s side. McFelon is highly incensed and gets out to attack the monster with her purse. She claims she sprayed it with pepper spray, before it sprinted off back into the field. Her insurance claim was later denied.

1965. Resava-Morava Coal Fields, Serbia, Bigfoot V. Yeti

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! Božo Markov claims that, while trudging home from Resava-Morava Coal Fields, he witnesses a paw fight between two large creatures. Markov describes the creatures as a Bigfoot (2.5 meters tall with brown hair full of twigs) and a Yeti (1.8 meters tall with clean white combed hair and large hands). Markov watched as the two creatures tussled and screeched at one another until the Yeti jumped in Resava River. The Bigfoot waved its arms and yelled, obviously afraid of the rushing, cold river water. Markov was largely ignored based on his poor eye sight and proclivity to vodka.

2011, Golden Valley Church Road, Knobby Creature, North Carolina

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! Video surfacing on March 22nd, 2011 of the North Carolina Knobby Bigfoot crossing Golden Valley Church Road is widely circulated by the media. The videographer, known only as the internet’s own Crazyhorseghost, says the scooting figure smelled like road kill of a skunk. Foot impressions are later revealed as knuckle prints pressed into the fresh mud.

1994, Escondido CA, Hale-Bop

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! Mike Rider, of Escondido CA, is taking photos of the Comet Hale-Bop from his back yard. He claims to capture a Polaroid photo of a hairy creature howling at the sky. Apparently, communicating with his Bigfoot colleagues. Though some speculation emerges that the creature was singing an ancient song to the passing of the Comet in the heavens.

1967, Loomis State Forest, Washington State

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! Spanish tourists, Marta and Ben Geard, claim to have been held hostage by three Bigfoots. Their story goes that while hiking in Loomis State Forest in upstate Washington, the pair were surrounded by three hairy 8 foot creatures. Over the next few days, the creatures ate the couple’s shoes then made them dance on stones on the bank of a river wearing only their socks. The Bigfoots did not let either Marta nor Ben sleep for three nights. Then finally released them after the candy bar supply Marta had in her backpack was all eaten up.

1998, Forked Run Ohio

A group of college students camping at Forked Run State Park along the Ohio/West Virgina border record rustling and screams on their portable boom box. Over a series of three nights, the strange noises continue. When the recordings are analyzed, experts at Ohio State debunk the noises as premarital recreation activities of other campers in the area.

1903, Tacoma, Psychic Bigfoots

Noted Fabergé Egg enthusiast and Orientalist author, Wilhelma Blamberg writes several letters to her local newspaper, The Tacoma Two Penny Express. In these editorials, Blamberg stresses health and wellness tips that she claims came to her in a psychic trance. In these fainting spells, Blamberg communes with an ancient society of large footed primate man creatures who lived in complex wooded mazes before the dinosaurs. Blamberg is often quoted by modern day cryptozoologists to be the founder of the Psychic Bigfoot commotion.

1896, Territory of Tejas, White House

TODAY IN BIGFOOT HISTORY! President Andrew Jackson, emboldened by the tales that a race of Apemen known as Dedos Gordos inhabited the Mexican wilds of Texas, embarked upon a diplomatic mission to negotiate the sale of the Texas Territory to the United States. The Mexican Ambassador, upon learning of President Jackson’s single desire to bare knuckle fist fight the creatures was appalled. Not only did the deal fall through, but President Jackson was asked to leave without finishing his tea.